Friday, March 15, 2002 ::: maybe my glasses are foggy, too strong or too weak, but from what i see, i should be happy because of everything i have, but yet, i also feel unfulfilled, incomplete, and definately not content ...
compared to everything i use to own in the past, my life itself before, what i had, what i owned, whom i knew and all the stimulis of my life back then ... compared to everything in my life now, i should be extremely content, this is the closest to true happiness i have ever gotten so far ... but yet, i'm juss as depressed as i use to be ... looking around, it looks like the people i know have reached their peak of contentment, finding their own "sweaters", and it makes me smile to see how happy, how sweet, how cute and adorable they look together ... it's something that brings hope to me, that makes me believe there is true happiness out there ... but perhaps it is this knowledge that almost gives me the feeling of anxiety ... everywhere i turn i see people smiling, happy and content, and mostly, in love ... but when i look closer, i see the unfortunates, who have yet to find happines, contentment and love ... some of them more than the others, and what kills me the most is that i am one of them ... true, i feel happy at times, almost as if i have been enlightened by true contentment, and it is no mask, it is genuine ... but now i feel as if i haven't reached that peak of happiness, as if i am missing out in the feeling of euphoria and elysium ... could this just be selfishness and jealousy ... maybe, i'm not afraid to admit that possiblity ... ever since i found my true defination of love; sacrifice and empathy - i have been spreading and sharing it with my family and friends ... especially friends ... and then my friends find love elsewhere, i genuinely feel happy for them, that they've found true happiness and love ... but then i look around, and then i ask ... who is there to love me? ... these acts of love i have given to my friends, and even those i am not too close with, have deepened my relationships i have with them, the fruits of my deeds are sweet ... but then some of the fruits have made me ((do i dare mention it?)), want to look for love, within my circle of friends ... ((gah! maybe i should delete this blog, i've already said too much ... but i AM writing this for me, and i need to admit these things to myself ... and if anyone reading this is wondering that if the person i'm looking for love with is still the same person i've been mentioning in my blog ... yes and no)) but then as i've been told ... i have no chance ... ((curse the bearer of that bitter news! j/k)) ... knowing this only sinks myself more into the feeling of anxiety ... almost to the point of misery ... fortunately, due to the knowledge that i should be grateful for everything that i have, own, know and achieved, and the knowledge that there is true happiness out there, most possibly for me too ... due to that all, it keeps me going on, happily skipping along my path of life ...
and with addition to my previous blog entries, i have concluded that the best thing for me to do ... is to decrease my involvement with other people ... for now ... to allow myself to get back on track at school and make my body fit and healthy ... perhaps it was those little things that i've paid too much attention to latey, is what i really need to work on ... so for the remainder of the march break, i'm either going to be doing homework or exercising ... and i shall invest time afterschool at fitness or staying to complete some work ... and perhaps, if i really get into this, i won't get to see my friends as often as i'd like to, or be able to help them when they really need it ... well, if they're reading this, please understand that i'm not trying to isolate myself from all of you, its juss that i need to renew myself ...
Sunday, March 10, 2002 :::
so yea ... now that im at home i can do my rantings ...
Abuse the body ... Rot the mind
first of all ... i know body image isn't everything ... in fact its nothing ... but i still get bugged when some one makes a comment about my body or my ability to perform physically demanding tasks; like sports and what not ... i don't want to become some sort of incubi, but i'm starting to get that old feeling where my body is craving attention and exercise ... i need to look good ... many ppl have told me i'm cute, and while i'm not going to brag about that, i'm going to deny it ... i know i'm cute ((i sound like Ana)) ... but with out my face i'm juss an animated twig ... like a walking stick ... it seems like every year around spring i get this feeling where i'm embaressed about my body, last year i took weight-gainer ... and i still have a full container of it ... i use to weigh 100lbs when i was in gr. 7 ... but i kept eating and drinking the stuff, sometimes i would work out, but i was afriad i'd loose weight ... now i'm like 125lbs and i'm still scrawny ... that's why i joined fitness ... not only to enhance my strength, endurance and perfromance/sparring ability in tae kwon do ... but also to look better ... and what else is buggin me is that i'm not a natural fighter ... sure i'm pretty good at tae kwon do, but i hardly get any sparring practice there anyways ... only during fridays, and that's only if Dariel, the only black belt there that's my age ... and there's a difference between sparring and actual fighting ... sure, my goal is to train for the olympics, which is a 1 to 1,000 chance ... but i wanna learn how to fight ... Tomas K. is a good fighter, he's a black belt in karate ... same thing with Nam and his kung fu ... it's harder to progress in karate and kung fu than it is in tae kwon do, so they have to be good ... not to mention they both know a lot more self defence techniques which can be applied to kill some one ... all i can do is spar ... i wanna get into a self-defence/jeet kune do school, a place that really teaches a guy how to fight ... *sigh* but its soo hard to find one ... the only one i know of that's near by is near STC, $70, small class in a guy's garage or sumtin ... but the instructor's the canadian olympic trainer for pankration ... but it's too far, too expensive, and only twice a week, and it conflicts with my tae kwon do schedule ... ah well ...
on another topic ... my units are the lowest anyone's ever heard of ... well, i'm kinda over exagerating but i'm not doing good ... i can see myself failing math or something ... but i hope not ... shiet! ... what makes it worse is that school work is at the bottom of my list of priorities ... maybe i juss don't have them set right ... but soo many things are seeming soo fucked up ... and my incapability to think isn't really helping either ... GAHH! ... the fuck's wrong with me ... school should be on the top of my list, but i juss can't get focused ... there's juss something about math that stops me from working, most of the time i juss stare at the paper ... stupid graphs! ... math would be easier if i didn't have to spend soo much time switching between pencil and pen, lined paper and grid paper, rulers, calculators, notebooks, texts ... GAHH!!! ... its driving me insane! ... before high school i use to be great at math ... now because of stupid high school rules about how to write something its fucking discouraging me from getting any work done ... honestly i use to be soo smart ... your supposed to learn shiet in high-school ... but ever since i got here my brain's juss been rotting ... my parents and TA would probably suggest i transfer schools ... but that's not the problem, it would still be the same ... math practice is juss the same tedious thing, over and over and over again ... and when the hell would we actually need to use exponential laws and curves, axises, and calculus anyways?! ... okay maybe alota jobs need some form of algebra and geometery ... especially science and architecture based jobs ... but there are alot of jobs too that don't need any of that hyper advanced shiet ... gah! i use to love science too ... especially physics and mechanics ... bio and chem never interested me ... computer sciences and communication technology always interested me, but i never got to pursue those interests cuz my fucking computer's pre-historic ... what kinda chip do i got in there? a dorrito? ... that's why i'm purseing arts ... its soo much easier to learn ... unfortunately, my parents and several ppl i know don't see much of a future in that field ... an animator? a starving artist? a future mr. galang? ... god i hope not ... i'm trying to get into the media/communications arts ... graphics/web design ... making webpages, posters, magazine covers, ads, or whatever ... it's alot easier for me to learn, more fun and chalenges my creative side ... though i can't draw for beans if my life depended on it ...
((take a breather, this might take a while longer than i expected ... though i don't think anyone's reading this anyway))
changing the subject once again ... here's a recap of last week mon. - nothing happened, heard mr. church was leaving ... i'll miss RPG ... tues. - english trip ... everyone authority was against me that day ... mrs. raybould was late and made me and everyone of the bus late cuz she needed to talk to me, bitch ... then mr. wetzel was acting like a jackass to me, dick ... and then there was more that i don't care to mention ... wed. - stupid history day prep-up ... thurs. - stupid history day ... fri. - went to Pac w/ Gilby, Ffej, Ana, Becca and Sabrina ... though i would have prefered to be alone, drinking bubble tea by myself listening to foriegn and comforting music in the background ... pissed jeff off a lot, sorry about that man ... ana and becca were acting like sexy bitches ... more bitches than sexy, but its all good ... and last week no one would believe me when i said: when i see a girl, i fall in love with the eyes ... i don't know about "the eyes give a glimpse into the soul", but there's juss something about some gurl's eyes that drive me crazy ... okay i'll admit, i check gurls out too, mostly the ass ... but believe it or not i don't care about the chest ... sure if they have a good one then it's a pro, but that's not what i'm after ... and i'll even admit that i drool sometimes ... but what really gets me attracted to gurls are their eyes ... that's how i fell for Kristina ... when i first saw her 2 years ago i saw her eyes and i juss fell into them ... i haven't met anyone with eyes like her's so far ... well actually there was this one gurl ... i saw her at the dance, she was christine's friend ... i think her name's jaquline er sumtin ... she had amazingly sexy eyes ... i almost stopped dancing for a while when i saw her ... i mean like wow, i still remember how her eyes looked like in the blackish-blue dim light of the dance ... hmm, did that juss sound too poetic er what? lol ... that was funny ... anyways ... on a similar topic Faye told me that some one of her friend's in gr. 11 likes me ... from what i gather it has to be some one we both know mutually, Liz and Karen know her too ... and i have a feeling she's in poetry club, and on Open Diary ... hmm ... very interesting ... also last night while i was writing my previous blog at a friend's place, elena was there ^_^ ... so yea, i don't think she's nervous around me anymore ... i thought after that whole valentine's day thing she'd get kinda funny around me ... and during the week of the dance i think she was avoiding me or something ... probably thought i was trying to ask her to the dance ... which i wasn't anyways ... ah well, i should reallly, really ask her out ... but i doubt she likes me ... and i doubt that she's ready for another bf anyways ... i wonder why none of the other guys that like her haven't tried yet ... maybe they have but they were all turned down, which means if i ask i'll get turned down ... hmm ...
ah well ... i dunno what to do ... maybe i should focus on schoolwork and fitness for now ... then maybe i straighten everything out and clear up my mind ... welps ... later days
